Revision

It’s been a while since I wrote. And that’s mainly because I don’t really feel like I have anything of interest to say. At least nothing anyone particularly wants to hear.

It’s funny, as a woman in this generation, I think we are socialized to go-go-go and gun for the Big Time. And when you achieve it, you often find it isn’t all it is cracked up to be. You take a step out of that world to, say, raise your child, and suddenly you are a nobody. You are now this person who, in society’s eyes, is nothing. “Just a mom” and “oh you stay at home.” That kind of dismissive attitude.

I find it very hard to bear sometimes. I love to be with Annabelle. To be home and watch the miraculous changes. But I feel somehow diminished and unimportant. Not that I feel I am unimportant, but I feel that I am viewed that way and do, I confess, find it hard not to feel like I don’t matter.

I know people will say “oh you matter to Annabelle.” That’s really missing the point of what I am trying to say. It’s like we are told all of our lives to achieve, achieve, achieve and when you leave that world to do something else, there is no longer any way to quantify success and achievement. Again, people will point to these broad concepts of Annabelle becoming a good person and being so smart, etc. And I am not negating that. It’s just that sometimes I just … don’t even feel like a human being. I feel lost. Like I am not even me anymore.

I am sure this probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but me. I am just feeling really overwhelmed right now.

I wouldn’t change my decision, but it’s been very hard. Hard to realize that this job is HARD. It’s mentally tough to be the dependent one in a relationship. To be the one who doesn’t get to go out. To be the one who cooks and cleans and folds clothes. People do not understand that. People think stay-at-home parents watch soaps all day and live high on the hog. Well, I can’t even remember the last time I watched any TV show in the middle of the day or did anything for the sake of myself during the day. How many workers surfing the Internet on a coffee break can say that?

I amuse myself from time to time by thinking about how Mrs. Brady never truly appreciated Alice. I’d love to have an Alice, if for no other reason than to have someone to talk to. I love to talk to Annabelle, but sometimes I feel desperately lonely and long for someone to be there to just share in the little things.

I know, I know, this time is fleeting … blah, blah, blah. I recognize all of that. I am just having a rough time right now. I am sure it will pass. Or I will suck it up. You know how it goes.