Revision

Lots of stuff on my mind and I am not sure how this will turn out, hence the title.

I am in Texas right now. Andre left to go back to Atlanta today and I feel sad. There is no way to explain it, really. Andre and I have been together for so long, it’s like I am off balance when he isn’t there. It’s so cliche, but he’s my other half. The PB&J on my bread. My best friend. It makes me sad when we can’t be together, even if it is just for a week. Or a day.

His leaving has only compounded the overwhelming sense of depression I’ve felt lately. I can’t put my finger on the reason. I couldn’t tell you “why.” It’s no one thing. I am just feeling really bummed out lately. Kind of hopeless.

Now, don’t go getting all worried. I feel like this often, I just don’t often write about it. But I have been repeatedly told (and have, on occasion, asserted it myself) that getting things out of your head and on paper (or in cyberspace, as the case may be) can help.

I don’t know if it’s being back in the place where I once had so much fun. Or missing Andy. Or feeling hot and bloated (thank you Houston humidity for both). Or just being in a general funk.

I look at Annabelle sometimes and think about all the cute things she does. For example, she gives me a big smile every time she sees me. I was rocking her tonight thinking about how happy it makes me to see her smile. Then, in a split second, I was deeply saddened — almost to the point of despair — thinking that it won’t always be this way. That she won’t always smile when she sees me. That someday she will hate me — like all teens at some point hate their parents. That her sweet smile and bright eyes will be dimmed by the cruelty of this world. It makes me so depressed sometimes I can’t stand it.

I don’t want her to battle depression like Kelly and I have. I don’t want her to know the ugliness, the racism, the look-ism, the greedy, money-hungry awfulness of this world. But she will know it.

That makes me sad.

My Dad’s best friend Jerry (RIP) suffered from clinical depression his entire life. He eventually ended his life. I remember how upset my Dad was when he found out. How devastated. And I remember being very angry. Angry that someone would be so selfish and off themselves like that, leaving all their loved ones to suffer. At the time I was a happy, stupid, naive college student and I said some things about people with depression that I now regret.

I used to think depressed people should just get over it. I used to think, “what’s their problem?” And boldly state that they should “suck it up and deal.”

Then, for whatever reason, I started having issues with depression. I understand now.

Sometimes I think God gave me this burden of depression to wise me up. To show me that I was an idiot kid who had no idea what she was talking about. I know I can’t think that way, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I ask “why? Why can’t I just flip a switch in my head and get over it? This is stupid!”

I was so naive. Is this my punishment for all the idiotic things I’ve spouted off about over the years?

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no way for a person to comprehend mental illness unless you’ve gone through it. Because society does not equate depression, for example, to being a medical condition. There is still that stigma attached to it. As if going to therapy is a bad thing. Or something to feel ashamed of.

That feeling is very palpable. I feel it right now. Like I should just hit the “Delete” key and forget I ever wrote this. But, damn it, I am not going to for that very reason. I am not editing. I am not going to let myself feel worse than I already do by imagining what you, my dear reader, must be thinking about me.

If you love me, you will love the depressed me too. If you hate me, you hate me. But, at least you’ll hate the real, honest me. Not some “me” that I conjured up for your approval.

OK. I actually do feel better now. Post a comment >>

A Post Script: Happy Songs
See, I told you I needed your list of happy songs. Seriously, I plan to add them all to my iPod. So thanks to Mimi, LeeLee, Kelly, Lila, Kerber, Nana Jan, Andre, Jennifer (of Roswell!) and, of course, the lovely and talented cousin Penny from Ottawa, for all of your suggestions. Have more? Want to add yours? Please, please do…