Revision

In my other blog I sometimes do this: Post an entry from my written journal. For those who don’t know, I have been keeping a traditional journal/diary since I was about ten. Oh! You should see some of those early entries, as well as those of the angst-filled teen years. But I’ve gone off topic haven’t I? Yes. So without further ado, here is an entry I wrote in my journal while I was in the hospital after delivering Annabelle.

A Few Pages from Geneen’s Journal
Saturday, March 9, 2007; 1:15 a.m.
Northside Hospital
Atlanta, Georgia

It’s all over — well the birth anyway. It’s been an unbelievable journey already. So many amazingly beautiful moments. The life knew before really is a blur. It all seems so unimportant — all the worries, all the silliness, all the job stress, all the minutiae … what was it all for?

Tomorrow, I’ll write about what happened when we got to the hospital, the birth, first thoughts, etc. Right now I want to talk about three amazing moments.

The first was the moment I saw her for the first time. They took her from the OR sterile field to the place where they clean and assess the babies. As she went by in the arms of a nurse, I caught a tiny glimpse of her. At that moment, I knew what I wanted to call her: Annabelle. At that moment, I just knew and told Andre in a hoarse whisper, “Annabelle.” He immediately agreed. The amazing thing was that, at that moment, I just knew. And that is the reason I frustrated and annoyed all of my friends and relatives in the months leading up to her birth by not picking a name in advance. I just knew that when I saw her I’d know what I wanted to call her. Seeing her first was key for us — and I am so glad we waited.

Then yesterday, as Mom was helping me use the bathroom, which after a C-section means serious help, I was feeling embarrassed and mortified. It really is a bad feeling to not be able to do the basic things by yourself. And, at such times, you really have to relinquish control and allow others to help you. That’s not an easy thing for me to do. Anyway, at that moment, I was feeling embarrassed and helpless. Suddenly, I realized if Annabelle was the one having the C-section and I was there with her, I’d want to help and would absolutely never think anything but, “I want to help my baby — my little girl.” It was a serious full-circle, “Ah-ha! moment.” One of those moments where you see your own mother in a completely different light. I could cry now just thinking about it. The realization of how she loved me. How she still loves me. I don’t think you can comprehend the love your parents feel for you until you see the face of your own child.

The final amazing moment of the day came about midnight. Andre and I had just fed and changed Annabelle. We sat down on the bouche (Andy’s bed/couch) and she was still a bit agitated. I took her in my arms and she looked up at me as I talked softly to her; and she calmed down completely. She just looked at me and listened. Then she smiled a little, but mainly just looked at me as if she knew me — and I am the only one I’ve ever seen her look at like that.

Realizing that she knew me. Knew my voice or heartbeat or touch or whatever…that she recognized me. It just filled me with this overwhelming feeling of love — boundless, depthless love. I felt, as I looked at her, that I was looking into the face of God. An angel on Earth. Sent to us, chosen for us by God. It was a truly profound moment and I just cried and cried — tears of joy and thanks. Andre put his arms around me and wiped my tears away. I felt such love. It was unbelievable.

I feel like I love Andre even more than before too. I watch him with Annabelle and he’s so gentle, loving and caring. It’s truly beautiful to watch and it moves me deeply. He really does take such good care of me. Now Annabelle. (And, of course, Sarah too.)

He said yesterday, “I can’t wait to take my girls home.” I thought that was so sweet. Well, my hand is still insanely numb. The tips of my thumb and three fingers — not pinky though — are asleep. Pins and needles galore. So until tomorrow…

That’s it for now. Andre’s Aunt Nat and cousin Whitney are on the way, so I have to wrap it up. Love to all… GLP