:: the BoydBunch ::

We Are Lucky

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 21:01:00 +0000

September both flew by and seemed like it was never going to end. I have a whole new respect for what my parents went through when Hurricane Alicia hit Houston in 1983. Back then it was "Oooh! Look all the golf carts are in the bottom of an empty pool!" and "how did that get there?" and "let's play with our Star Wars figures in this big pile of dirt!"

Now that I am grown up (that's what people keep saying anyway), it is no fun at all. Fences to rebuild, trees to chop, our sprinkler system was ruined -- so was the ice maker on our refrigerator. We lost all of our beautiful landscaping and flowers and bushes and four trees. We have a leaky roof. Our power was out for more than two weeks. Yet, we definitely ARE the lucky ones.

I did a heavy-duty closet clean out on Wednesday, being absolutely brutal. I eventually got two boxes worth of stuff together to donate to Hurricane Ike victims. (Andy did the same.)

I am somewhat miffed that Galveston and parts of Houston are suffering so much, yet they (we) are all forgotten. God, when Katrina devastated New Orleans it was wall-to-wall Katrina for a month and a half. And I know how much attention the media gave the story -- I worked day after day on it. For Ike it was hey! look! And move along. It pisses me off.

In other news, we moved back into our house Sunday. It was so great to be home. We still have so much work to do, but it is nice to be back in my own house. With control of my own thermostat! Oh baby, is it ever! :-)

Annaebelle is going to Gymboree twice a week and swim lessons. It's my goal to get her out and interested in new things. Meet kids her own age. I am fun and all, but I am sure she appreciates playing with other toddlers.

Here are a few pictures from September. We've got Annabelle in there among many Hurricane Ike pictures. And don't forget our family photo albums and don't forget to comment! We want to hear from you!

Cheers for now!

To the Other Side?

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 07:01:00 +0000

I think I may have had a breakthrough. Today as I was driving Annabelle home from swim lessons (see the "Today I" section of this blog for more!), I found myself thinking about the future and seeing possibilities. It has been a long time since I was able to be hopeful without any negativity. That sounds worse than I think I mean it to, or maybe it just was that bad. I am not sure. But for the first time in a long time I thought about how I wanted to go back to school and how I was going to do it and got excited about it. Not once did I think as I have been for so long: "How will I ever do it?" "My photos suck anyway." "There is no way I can do it." "Who will watch Annabelle?" "What's the point?" It was like, suddenly, things were possible again.

It was a moment. A little one, but a moment of hope nonetheless.

So I just have to keep going. But, for the first time in -- wow -- years, maybe, I actually feel like it might be possible to vanquish depression. And that, in and of itself, is progress.

That's Progress!

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 06:52:00 +0000

Well, it's been a long-quick week if that makes sense. Looking back it seems like forever ago that it was Monday, yet it feels like it was just yesterday. I accomplished quite a bit this week. Annabelle really liked Gymboree. She was very good at most of the activities that the kids were supposed to do, but she seemed kind of overwhelmed by the other children. You see, Annabelle has really only been with me, her Daddy and her grandparents her entire life. She doesn't know any other kids except Gigi and Carlo's little Gavin -- and he is a bitty baby. So seeing a bunch of kids her age was rather overwhelming for her, I think.

She ran around and squealed and really enjoyed the whole experience. It actually made me want to cry. Seeing what an amazing person she is becoming. And how she problem solves. And how she is so determined to do it all by herself.

From a battling-depression point of view, I am glad I got out and just did it. I tried really hard not to let myself go through those negative thought patterns that always want to come up when I am with strangers. (e.g. "Are they looking at me?" "Do they think I am stupid? Ugly? Fat? Whatever?") I just thought to myself: "You are Annabelle's mom and she loves you." That made a huge difference.

All of that probably sounds really lame, but so be it. I can't control what you think of me. I used to think I could. I am slowly (oh-so-very-slowly) coming to the realization that I can only control what I think of me. Whether I want you to or not, you will make a judgement of me. And nothing I can do is going to stop you. So why worry about it. Right?

Anyway, that's it from here. Big weekend. Gavin gets baptized! Yay!

Did I Really Graduate?

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 07:59:00 +0000

In an earlier post I shared my battle with Depression. The other half of the battle is severe anxiety. Now, I decided a long time ago that if I had a choice: Depression or anxiety, I'd take anxiety and be cured of depression. Over the years, neither has really been solved or that hard worked for. I just worked myself to death and ran on the treadmill til I couldn't think anymore. Those were my solutions. Solutions that very often worked, though their effects were fleeting.

So now that I am locked in battle with Depression, some of the methods I am using are exacerbating my problems with panic and anxiety. It's really frustrating. When I am like this -- high anxiety -- the bad dreams come. I have several recurring dreams in which I 1.) can't find something (usually a classroom) 2.) find out I didn't actually graduate from high school and have to go back (and then can't find the classroom!) or 3.) that I am lost somewhere.

I hadn't had these dreams in about a year and a half. Now they are back. I wake up every morning drenched in sweat, heart racing thinking I missed a big test or that I have to go back to high school. I'm left with a very unsettled feeling the entire morning.

But the battle must continue. I've read that one strategy is, when awake, to plan what you will do when you can't find the classroom or have to go back to high school or whatever. Strategize the solution so when you dream it, you won't panic or get anxious. You will know what to do. And, in theory, go on to have a mundane dream.

I am really rambling aren't I?

People often ask me why I post these things here. It is more for me than anything. Admitting it. Getting out these fears and truths about myself is freeing. It's part of my work toward accepting me for who I am. Instead of hiding the fact that I am battling with this, maybe my struggle will help someone else along the way. It can be a very lonely road.

Anyway, again I say, wish me bonne chance, because I need it. After all, I didn't actually graduate from college! And I am lost somewhere in Italy, never to find my way home. Ha ha!

Yesterday? Serious. Today? Not.

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 06:37:00 +0000

I feel the need to share my excitement at hearing the old NBA on NBC theme song again for NBC's coverage of USA Basketball during the Summer Olympics. That rockin' song was written by John Tesh (!) and is called "Roundball Rock." (Enjoy it here and here.)

You know how a certain smell or feel in the air can bring back a specific time in your life? "Roundball Rock" is like that for me. It just brings back happy times. Watching basketball with my Dad. Playing basketball with my Dad, which I did quite a bit. Larry Bird. Magic Johnson. Hakeem Olajuwon. Marv Albert. Mike Fratello -- the Czar of the Telestrator. Ahmad Rashad. Steve "Snapper" Jones. Showtime. That's also where my crazy love for Bob Costas started. He was the halftime anchor for the NBA on NBC and I've loved him ever since.

Those were good times.

Bonne chance

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 04:25:00 +0000

As most of my three readers know, I am still battling depression. It's something that I have to work hard every day to overcome. The depressed me tries to stop the happy me from doing what she wants to do. This week, I waged an all-out war on this vicious foe. I decided I was just going to think of depression as "Depression," with a capital "D." A force that is working hard against me. When it pushes, I have to push back harder. And it is hard.

Sometimes I think I am being punished for my awful remarks about depressed people in the past. (Things like, "Why don't they just get over it?" and "What's their problem?") Now I can really see and understand what, I daresay, most people don't. Because it seems like is should be just that simple: Change your mind, get over it. Right? I have found that it simply doesn't work that way (alas!).

But back to my strategy. This week I began the battle. Starting Monday with Anna and I visiting the library, then Target; and, later, dinner out with Andy. I often find it so easy to just say, "nevermind, let's just stay in." I told Andy he has to start making me do it. Like be the man and say: "We are doing this. Period." And he did.

Tuesdays Annabelle is with her Mimi. (Mimi is a Godsend, by the way. By watching Annabelle for those few hours every week, she is helping me in my battle.)

Wednesday, Annabelle and I met Auntie Gigi and Gavin to sign up for weekly Mommy and Me swim lessons. Then we all had lunch.

Thursday, we met Daddy at the doctor's office for shots.

Today we went to Gymboree and signed up for another weekly class, then had some chicken for lunch.

In short, every day we were out and about doing something. Depression is weird. It's like a veil that shrouds everything you do. Dulling your senses and throttling any enjoyment in everyday things. I am so sick of letting Depression run my life. So I've decided I just have to go, go, go, lest it put its steel-toed boot back on my throat. I think that was my unconscious strategy in the past. I need to do it again -- only this time, consciously.

I can't let Big "D" win any longer.

Look at This Photograph

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 20:36:00 +0000

I just wanted to remind everyone about our Photo Albums. I've posted a bunch of pictures of Annabelle that I've taken over the last couple of days. While the vast majority are available to anyone, there are some that require you to sign in. It's free to sign up and signing up will allow you to see the pictures I flag as "Friends and Family Only."

To get your free account (and trust me, Flickr is so worth it!), just Visit Flickr's signup page. If you already have a Yahoo! account, you can use that to sign in! See, I told you it was easy!

And best of all, once you've signed up you can leave comments on pictures, which I find to be very fun.

If you do sign up, please send me your user name so I can add you as a Friend or Family Member.

Have a wonderful day! And try Flickr!! (No, they don't pay me to endorse it. I just love it that much.)

I Bid You Hello!

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 20:50:00 +0000

I just put Annabelle down for her nap, telling her, "now I am going to bid you goodnight. I love you." When I closed the door I burst out laughing at my phrasing! Oh sometimes I wonder what she thinks of her Mommy.

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:24:00 +0000

Sometimes I feel so lost and alone and confused. The sands are always shifting. You think you're taking a positive step in your life. Or that things will be OK. And all of a sudden things aren't.

Tips Always Welcome

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 07:59:00 +0000

I found a great piece of traveling-with-kids advice that I need to file away somewhere. Here is as good a place as any.

The element of surprise never fails. One of my wife's most genius travel strategies is to produce some kind of surprise for the kid on the plane: sometimes it's a new book, a new box of crayons and some stickers. Once it was a little thing of modeling clay [which ended up leaving greasy dye streaks on the tray table. Oops.] This trip, it was some kind of dipping stick snack, somewhere between a Lik-m-Aid and a Pocky. When the kid got a little antsy, out it came to change the mood.

This is from a blog called "Daddy Types." Interesting blog there that I am definitely bookmarking.

Feel the Aloha

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 05:47:00 +0000

Andy and I got back from The Big Island recently, and this just happened upon my computer screen today. I like it, so I am putting it here. Perhaps you'll like it too.

Live ALOHA

Aloha in Action

You don't have to be a politician, or the president of a company, or a famous doctor, to make everyone's life better. Sometimes the smallest things make the biggest difference.

What Are Friends For?

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 04:45:00 +0000

You know, it's interesting when you discover things that, perhaps, you didn't want to know about your "friends." At some point you just have to let go and stop clinging to something that (clearly) has ceased to exist.

This one hurts because I'd always been one of her staunchest supporters and have always forgiven her faults, as I thought she'd forgiven mine. This is one of those cases where I am truly baffled as to what happened or why she doesn't like me anymore. I'd feel better about it all if she'd just tell me why. But you know what? There is nothing I can do about it. And what is the motto I've been trying to live by?

I don't focus on things I can't control.

Until and unless she decides to talk to me, there is just nothing I can do. It makes me profoundly sad, but I have to let go. It's only hurting me at this point, for it is obvious that she doesn't care about me.

Wowza Annabellza!

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Fri, 23 May 2008 09:30:00 +0000

Sometimes being a stay-at-home mom is really mentally taxing. Sometimes the hours seem to crawl by. Other times they fly by with alarming quickness. This has been one of those weeks. Annabelle has done something new everyday this week. Maybe two or three new things.

Her comprehension of the spoken language is remarkable. Though she hasn't spoken all that many words, she understands many words and phrases. She can point to a cat, a dog, a duck, and, yes, a toucan (!). She can understand simple commands. She knows who mommy and daddy and nana and mimi and poppy and papaw are. She knows who Miss Gigi is. She even knows who kitty Sarah is.

She loves to point. She loves to read. She loves to dance. She is an amazing little girl.

If you haven't done so lately, Check out some pictures! May 2008 | April 2008 | March 2008

Let us know what you think!

SWAK!

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Wed, 07 May 2008 04:30:00 +0000

Annabelle has recently learned how to pucker her lips as if in a kiss. Before she goes to be she will make the little lip smacking noise after I kiss her. It melts my icy heart. I love her to little tiny pieces.

Rolling With Changes

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Sun, 04 May 2008 22:16:00 +0000

Annabelle and I were playing downstairs this morning. I was multitasking, you know making lunch, putting the dishes away and playing with AEB. Anyway, I was making some noodles on the stove when Annabelle stood up in the middle of the living room and toddled all the way over to me and gave me a big hug around my leg. I couldn't believe it.

She is also learning to use a spoon and a fork. It is a messy business.

My ex-best friend forever, Marian Hossa, had the game winning/series clenching OT goal today for the Penguins (versus the New York Rangers). I miss him! He's been a monster this playoff season. All true Thrasher fans die just a little bit every time he scores a goal for another team.

Miss Personality

noreply@blogger.com (Andre) — Sun, 04 May 2008 06:03:00 +0000

It has been too long since my last post. So much has happened in our life, especially when it comes to Annabelle. She is walking now! Each day she gains more confidence and takes a few more steps. Each day she shows a new wrinkle in her personality. She is amazing, wonderful and precious.

Geneen is amazing as well. She is such a wonderful mother to Annabelle. Annabelle loves her so much, as do I.

In Control

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Fri, 02 May 2008 06:56:00 +0000

"I can't control what people think so I don't worry about it too much ... I'm just trying to do my best."
-- Marian Hossa
CBS Sports
May 14, 2008

"I don't worry about what I can't control."
-- Marian Hossa
ESPN Radio
March 25th, 2008

"I can't control it, so why even think about it?"
-- Jarrod Saltalamacchia
Atlanta Journal-Constitution
May 6, 2007

"It sounds really simple and almost too basic, but if I go home and stew on what I think should be happening or focus on something that I can't control, it takes my focus away from doing my job. It eats at you. It consumes you. And I've been through all of this before."
-- Joey Harrington
Atlanta Journal-Constitution
November 30, 2007

Baby Steps

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 21:24:00 +0000

Annabelle walked on her own today for the first time.

Fab Vocab

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 22:33:00 +0000

Annabelle has learned lots of new words. She knows what many, many words mean, but she doesn't yet speak them. Balloons. Cat. Mommy and Daddy (which she does say). Nana. Mimi. Charles (!). Hand. Popsicle. Pool. Just to name a few.

I have also added to our family's personal lexicon.

There is the ever popular: Grumpasaurus (aka Grumpasaur). The fearsome Grumpasaurus Rex. The soon-to-be-outdated Trendasaurus. The oft-used (and fun to say) Fussasaurus. And, who could forget the Tryantasaurus (as in, "my boss is a tyrant-a-saurus"). See what great things I am doing for the English language?

Revisiting a Resolution

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 14:38:00 +0000

Resolved: That Geneen shall institute a "no more" policy when it comes to a.) feeling like she is a terrible mother b.) feeling guilty for no reason c.) obsessing about her weight d.) being negative e.) fear and, f.) feeling like a nobody because she doesn't -- at present -- have a job that pays in U.S. currency.

Get the Picture?

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:19:00 +0000

Annabelle had portraits taken day. She is just the funniest baby. A total ham. Lots of personality in the pictures. I can't wait to have some of them.

They Didn't Play "Stonehenge"

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 11:37:00 +0000

Well, it's been a while. *whew!*

Annabelle's first birthday party was last weekend. I'd just spent the entire week having (seemingly) every medical procedure known to mankind; I was put on two days of bed rest and Andy was covering the after hours clinic, so I am amazed we managed to pull off both a birthday party AND a visit from the Easter Bunny. It was touch-and-go there for a while and he was unsure he could add us to his route, but he did show.

Thank-you-very-much, Easter Bunny!

Our fam at AEB's party Saturday.
Click to see more >>

In other news...
Yes, I had a Spinal Tap and ... ... it didn't rock or go to 11 (nor did they play 'Stonehenge,' damn it!) ...

"Spinal Tap" is one of my all-time favorite movies, but the reality of a lumbar puncture is nowhere near as entertaining and is, in fact, about as scary as David St. Hubbins in spandex.

I was ridiculously nervous. It didn't help that I had to sign these forms five minutes before they wheeled me away informing me I could a.) die, b.) be paralyzed, c.) get a hideous infection, etc. CYA, I know. NEVERTHELESS!

The needle was in my back for about 30 minutes. The doctor (who had the smallest hands I've seen outside of a juvenile) kept asking how I was doing to which I just groaned/whined "fiiiiine." I didn't want to move. I was afraid of moving, lest the needle go askew.

The funny thing about the 'Tap is the weird electrical jolts it sends to various parts of your body. Down your leg... ZAP! Down your other leg... DOUBLE ZAP! Across your back... BURNING ZAP! And over again.

I had to lie down flat for 48 hours straight, which, as the mother of a toddler sounded rather exciting when it was first mentioned. Within two hours I was going crazy. Anyway, just a nice big thank you to all who expressed concern. I appreciate your encouraging words. This has been a very trying two weeks.

Unfortunately, there are still no real answers to the conundrum.

So that's that.

Going to 11

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 08:11:00 +0000

Spinal Tap: It's not just a rock band (for me) anymore. Today (ugh), yes today, I am having a lumbar puncture. I am not sure which term is more freaky. I'll have to meditate on that while I am having said puncture/tap done. Again, I say "ugh!" and shiver a little bit.

Still no definitive answer on the headaches. Here's hoping the tap will be the end of the poking and prodding.

(Shivers a little more.)

My Head Hurts and I Feel Fine

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 07:08:00 +0000

This past week has been a bit of a roller-coaster.

I've been having severe headaches for about a month now. I finally figured it had to be that my eyesight was, at long last, going. So a quick trip to the optometrist, eye check, get glasses, right? Oh wrong, wrong, wrong. My vision is still 20-15. The doc found I had some swelling of the nerves in my eyes, so he referred me on to an opthamologist. I was worked into one of Andy's kind colleagues' schedule the same day. So hey! I got to have my eyes dilated twice in one day.

All-day eye blurring aside, Andy's insistence that I be checked the same day was very disconcerting. I know Andy. There's just no other way to explain it and he wouldn't have pressed it like that if he wasn't worried. And when he is worried, I am more so.

The finding of swelling was confirmed and the opthamologist referred me to a neurologist and got me scheduled for an MRI the following day (Friday). Cue Geneen freakout. Well, not really, but I did go to bed at 6 p.m. and didn't get up until the next day right before I had to go to the appointment. That's my method of dealing with reality sometimes: Hide.

That night I dreamed of my late friend, Julie. In the dream she sent me a letter from Heaven (it was postmarked with a special "Heaven" postage stamp and everything!). In the letter she thanked me for my friendship and told me she was happy and peaceful in the afterlife. She told me she was happy because she was able to watch over her children always. She also told me "everything is going to be OK." I knew that was a positive omen, but I was still scared.

Next day, ugh. MRI. Little tube. Close quarters. Loud noises. Controlled freaking. Sort of.

In the hour I was in The Tube, I somehow did lots of thinking amidst the racket and commotion. I prayed. I thought of Julie and how brave she had been. I thought of all the hockey players in the NHL who'd had MRIs recently and how they all survived. I thought of Annabelle and the way she laughed and kicked her feet in the pool earlier that day. I thought of Andy and how loving and caring he always is. And my parents and sister. My in-laws. I prayed some more. I sang the Brady Bunch theme song several times over to stop myself from laughing after the MRI tech told me she thinks the sound the machine makes is like "bad techno music" (very true, by the way; though "modern jackhammer" is also apt). I thought of how little the minutiae means in the grand scheme of things. I prayed again. I thought of Frodo and Sam on their quest with The Ring (the mind does wander doesn't it?). I repeatedly thought of the "find a happy place" scene in "Dumb and Dumber." I prayed some more and vowed to be brave. I thought of this crazy story a friend told me about a certain member of the Colorado Avalanche and what a baby he was at the doctor's office. I vowed to be braver than that. And I prayed.

Then it was over.

Skip forward a little. The scans were all negative. No tumors. No lesions. No aneurysms. What a relief! I felt very grateful (and still do). So whatever it is that is causing the headaches is probably not deadly. But the quest for an answer continues.

I have a headache right now. It's pounding and painful, but I don't care. At the moment I feel very blessed and lucky to be alive to have a headache. I was pretty scared there for a while and the foremost thought in my mind was Annabelle. Not for me, but for her. I know I am not the best mother in the world, but I do know she needs me and I want to be there for her. So I am thanking God that the MRI came back negative. Maybe, on Annabelle's behalf, you'll join me in thanking Him too.

And here I go again, getting all cheesy but if you're reading this, I just want to say thanks for being my friend/family (I know in the case of the latter you have no choice, but you know what I mean). Thanks for being a special part of my life. When I was in the little, cramped tube I thanked God for you too.

*hugs*

Whatever Happens...

noreply@blogger.com (Geneen) — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 19:02:00 +0000

I am going to be brave. Like Julie. I dreamed of her last night. She sent me a note from Heaven and said everything is going to be OK. I am taking that as a positive omen.