As an aside, I am disgusted at the results of my dear, dear "Dancing With the Stars." Two of the best performers weren't even in the finals. And Donny is just a huge suck up who won because he is popular, not because he was the best (who knew?! I guess that says something about the show's demographics!). It almost makes me not want to watch next season.

I am Geneen, and I approved this message. (Andy said he does too.)

Yesterday's News

So the mad rant is over. At the time I wrote the yesterday's entry I was livid. So was Andy. But I've come down from the edge to realize that if Pensacola Poster wants to believe that I am, "sick" for taking an interest in my child's toys; or that I "need help"**, for worrying she'll be kidnapped at a public park, SO BE IT. Go ahead and leave all the rude remarks you want and feel free to do it anonymously -- we'll restore that function just for you, because you seem to need the outlet. Making other people feel bad must make you feel good. We don't want to deprive you of that.

Instead, we choose forgiveness and not holding a grudge.

'Tis all.

** Another gem from another time from the same poster on the same computer, but different state. **

*

Annabelle's phrase of yesterday was "I can't want to" -- a variation on the classic, "I can't like it." She's so very funny.

I am taking her to the gym with me when she wakes up, where, I will, worry the entire time she's at the kid's program.

*

Anonymous commenting is back after its very brief hiatus (it missed you). I know several people with helpful, insightful, funny things to say use that function, so feel free to keep using it. Hi Mrs. R! Auntie Kell! Miss Shannnon! Kerber! Etc. <3 you all!

You Make My Day /Sarcasm

Hey anonymous commenter in Pensacola, Florida!

Yeah you, using Bellsouth and Windows NT with Internet Explorer. Yeah you, the one that was so kind as to be rude to me via this blog on July 31 at 8:26 a.m. CT (9:26 a.m. ET). Why not tell me who you are? Why not be straight with me with YOUR name out there, then tell me what you think of me to my face? Oh right, because it's easier to insult me without leaving your name.

Thanks so much!

I feel so good about myself when I get your anonymous critiques of my honest attempts to be a good parent. Anonymous critiques of the ways I try to show my daughter I love her -- I'm sorry you missed that point.

If you don't like me, don't read this blog. Why are you even here? If you want to insult me, say it to my face with YOUR name attached. I'd respect you and your thoughts more.

Thanks.

I'm even more hurt because I happen to know we have people we love -- who we thought loved us -- who were visiting Pensacola last week.

Thanks again for taking the time to leave your non-sunshine all the way from the Sunshine State.

-- Geneen AND Andy. Believe it or not, you hurt us both with your little drive-by potshots and random acts of anonymous rudeness.

** PS Thank you, also, Pensacola poster, for making us decide to disallow anon comments -- after three years!

Comma-tose

New cases and deaths finally seemed to be leveling off in Mexico, where 160 people have been killed after an aggressive public health campaign.

-- From MSNBC's story "WHO notches up swine flu pandemic alert" (I know, I know, what am I doing on MSNBC anyway?)

Is it just me or is that some bad writing? Where's a little ol' comma when you need one? So 160 people were killed (!) after an aggressive public health campaign?!? That IS aggressive isn't it? Wow! And, in addition to our friend the comma, I think I'd have used "have died" as opposed to "have been killed." Then again, I would not have written the sentence that way at all. But maybe I am just splitting hairs. Or not.

Anyway, today Annabelle woke up saying "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

I went to her door and knocked and said, "May I come in?"

"YEAH!" she yelled.

When I walked in she was jumping up and down and was just so very cute. Lil' Miss Adora-belle.

Cat Tales

I am kind of irked right now. You go out of your way to help someone else and when you ask them for help it's like: What? Where? Me? And I don't ask for help that often. Consider this a face of great rage: >:-(

Anyway, in other news, Annabelle was hilarious today. When I went in to pick her up from her nap, the cat came in too. Sarah jumped up into Annabelle's crib to Anna's great delight. She was so excited to have Sarah in the crib with her. This is a big no-no for me, but just this once, I let her in there briefly. The best part is this: Our nickname for Sarah is "Reeny." And Annabelle has picked up on this. Unfortunately, she has a stuffed animal whose name is "Greeny." Now she thinks Sarah's name is also "Greeny." It's hilarious.

So when Sarah jumped out of the crib (much to the Anna's dismay), she kept trying to call her back yelling, "Greeny! Greeny!" It was hilarious.

This might, however, be one of those cases of "you had to be there" to find it as funny as I did.

Anyway, yay Annabelle! And grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr other people.

Three in Bird's Nest

Maybe I'm the jerk, but it bugs me when people say, "our goalie was amazing, now if we'd just score a bit more." YOU aren't playing, so there's no "our" there.

I know, I know, I am a cantankerous jerk sometimes.

On the lighter side, it's been raining nonstop for two days, so we've had to come up with alternative entertainment. Forts, improvised nests. Yes, improvised nests. Annabelle likes to pretend she's a bird and the pillows are her nest. In this world of make believe she sits on eggs, feeds Mommy and Daddy -- and herself worms, and flies in and lands in the nest. It's very cute. Especially the enthusiastic delivery of words like: "NEST!" "WORMS!" "FLY!" There is no substitute for the sheer excitement and squeals this kind of play elicits!

She's so very cute.

Grrrrrr

Do you ever realize after the fact that you've been insulted? Well, that's not totally accurate. At the time I felt offended, but kind of played it off, but now, thinking about it, I'm pretty irked. And, the more the think about it, the more of an insult it is. It's not worth a confrontation, because I am sure it wasn't meant to be as insulting as it totally was. But still.

Hey, I am not one of those gotta-keep-up-with-my-neighbor people. I loathe the pretensions of so many in our society today. When did just being a good person cease to be enough?

[** this portion deleted for your protection **]

I swear, I am just about to go on a very ill-advised rant. So, therefore, I will leave it at that.

In other, more happy news, Annabelle loves going through her clothes. She puts on skirts and hats and shorts (all over her existing outfits). But it's hilarious to see her get so excited about a bag of clothing. "Shoes!" She'll exclaim. Or "Cute!" she says frequently. She should know, she is the Cute Queen.

Watch Me Pull a Rabbit Out of My Hat!

Do you ever feel like people think you're an idiot? People seem to think that I am a moron and it's driving me crazy! As Rocky's old pal Bullwinkle once said, "I may be stupid, but I'm no moron!"

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Annabelle has been very busy today. She's been putting shapes into their corresponding holes. She's talking to herself like crazy. Someday soon, she's just going to bust out and talk to me in sentences. She already communicates well with me, but I am just waiting for the sentences! Not that I am rushing her babyhood. That time is rapidly waning and I already miss it!

Dear Diary...

A few days ago I posted an entry that worried several readers. They needn't worry, dear diary, as you know, I like to blow off steam through writing. After I posted those entries, I felt much better.

As you know, dear diary, it's just me being me. Not that I didn't mean what I said: Because I did. I have to work on being less of a pushover. I have to work on being strong. I have to work on allowing myself to be myself. These are challenges for me. I get mad at myself when I don't live up to my expectations. And I get mad when I allow myself to be intimidated and not express my opinion. These things have to stop.

But, dear diary, I wanted to let my readers know that there's nothing to worry about. Some people work out to blow off steam, some people play video games ... I write. Sometimes I will post here online. Sometimes in my handwritten journal. Either way, the sentiments are the same. I am just trying to be real and honest.

I apologize to anyone who occasionally reads this blog and gets worried. I certainly don't ever mean for that to happen. Like I said, I am just trying to be real and honest about my feelings. Like everyone else, I am sure, those feelings are not always positive. The only difference, I suppose, is that I share them here. I don't think that is a mistake, though sometimes I do worry.

I feel much better today. Annabelle and I are having a lovely day. We will probably go to the park later, so I need to go, dear diary. Until next time...

Love and Kisses,
Neen

Look Out!

You may want to hide the children, I am about to go on a rant. An ugly one. This might intrigue you and make you want to read more. If not, how 'bout checking out some photos of Annabelle getting her first pair of shoes?

...

Oh? You're still here. Well hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

First and foremost, I am sick of being judged. Held to some impossibly high standard then made to feel like a horrible person when I fail to achieve it ... and for once I am not talking about my own judging of myself. I am my own harshest critic ... or so I thought. (Whew! I feel better already.) Anyway...

I consider myself to be a fairly even-tempered person. I don't go all psycho on people. I don't yell and scream. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and to be forgiving. I will ignore the folly that I see around me. Acquiesce to the will of others. Silently listen. Be polite.

The problem with that? Well, you know, you get, ahem, the shaft. Even when I am trying to do the right thing, I get criticized. Even when I am doing the best I can, I get criticized. Criticized. Given advice. Told I am wrong ... or how I could have done it better ... or should have done it differently.

And you know what? I am tired of it.

I've taken so much un-asked-for criticism and "advice" I just can't stand it anymore. And, honestly, it's not even the criticism and advice that bugs me. It's the implication that I can't decide something on my own. Or that I don't know what is right.

Now that I think about it, it's not even that because I can be polite and say, "thank you for your thoughts" and move on. No, what I am really tired of is allowing myself to be made to feel 1.) bad, 2.) guilty, 3.) stupid, 4.) unworthy, 5.) like a bad parent, and 6.) wrong in general.

When it comes right down to it, this is all my fault right? So much of my rage is really at myself for not being more assertive. For not just saying, "this is how it's going to be: Like it or not." For not putting my foot down and being strong. For not expressing my opinion. For being afraid. For letting people intimidate me.

I constantly let myself get steamrolled. And it stops. Right here. Right now. Tonight.

I am my own person. I am allowed to do things differently. I am allowed to disagree. Sure, I would like it if others liked me, but damn it all, I just don't care anymore. I have to be myself and live my life the way I want to live it. I have to do that for my own sanity. And for Andy. And, most of all, for Annabelle. She needs to learn that expressing your opinion is OK. She needs to see what a strong woman looks like. So far that has not been me.

I am a pushover no longer! And to those who don't like it? Well ...

[This portion censored by the author for your protection.]

Grrrrr...