I just want to say a quick thanks to Whitney for her truly good and thoughtful comments yesterday. Whitney, I appreciate your fresh take and suggested new ways of looking at things.
Having seen you and your mom together, you're so very right: That kind of relationship with my own beautiful daughter will be the ultimate reward. Thank you for taking the time to share your perspective -- it actually helped a lot!
You're an amazing person and your mom should be proud.
It's been a while since I wrote. And that's mainly because I don't really feel like I have anything of interest to say. At least nothing anyone particularly wants to hear.
It's funny, as a woman in this generation, I think we are socialized to go-go-go and gun for the Big Time. And when you achieve it, you often find it isn't all it is cracked up to be. You take a step out of that world to, say, raise your child, and suddenly you are a nobody. You are now this person who, in society's eyes, is nothing. "Just a mom" and "oh you stay at home." That kind of dismissive attitude.
I find it very hard to bear sometimes. I love to be with Annabelle. To be home and watch the miraculous changes. But I feel somehow diminished and unimportant. Not that I feel I am unimportant, but I feel that I am viewed that way and do, I confess, find it hard not to feel like I don't matter.
I know people will say "oh you matter to Annabelle." That's really missing the point of what I am trying to say. It's like we are told all of our lives to achieve, achieve, achieve and when you leave that world to do something else, there is no longer any way to quantify success and achievement. Again, people will point to these broad concepts of Annabelle becoming a good person and being so smart, etc. And I am not negating that. It's just that sometimes I just ... don't even feel like a human being. I feel lost. Like I am not even me anymore.
I am sure this probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I am just feeling really overwhelmed right now.
I wouldn't change my decision, but it's been very hard. Hard to realize that this job is HARD. It's mentally tough to be the dependent one in a relationship. To be the one who doesn't get to go out. To be the one who cooks and cleans and folds clothes. People do not understand that. People think stay-at-home parents watch soaps all day and live high on the hog. Well, I can't even remember the last time I watched any TV show in the middle of the day or did anything for the sake of myself during the day. How many workers surfing the Internet on a coffee break can say that?
I amuse myself from time to time by thinking about how Mrs. Brady never truly appreciated Alice. I'd love to have an Alice, if for no other reason than to have someone to talk to. I love to talk to Annabelle, but sometimes I feel desperately lonely and long for someone to be there to just share in the little things.
I know, I know, this time is fleeting ... blah, blah, blah. I recognize all of that. I am just having a rough time right now. I am sure it will pass. Or I will suck it up. You know how it goes.
Annabelle went Trick-or-Treating for the first time on Friday. She caught on really quickly and seemed excited to go. We only went to a few homes -- neighbors of my parents and Andy's. Anna went up to one house in my parents' neighborhood and was quite terrified by a ghostly display. She ran to me crying. I felt so sad.
Overall, though, it was a lot of fun. Here are a few pictures. Don't forget our complete photo albums!
I had a root canal today. Quite the experience. Amidst the chaos, mouth numb, and flying high on lauging gas, I garbled out promises to never go a day without flossing again.
Oy! I am sure it will ultimately be much better, but right now it is kind of still achy and painful.
It has been a very long time since my last post. Time flies by when you have a toddler in the house. I am so proud to be a father. Annabelle is such a sweet little girl. It melts my heart when I hear her say "dada". She has been showing more affection the past several week. Tight hugs around your neck and pecks on the cheek. If you have an "ouchie", Annabelle will gladly kiss it for you. I was watching her eat her lunch today when she pointed to the zit on my forehead and blew me a kiss. I can't write without saying how proud I am of Geneen. She takes such good care of Annabelle and me and is teaching Annabelle so much. I love the two of them more than I can say! Geneen and I will be going to Dallas next weekend to meet some friends from Denver. While we will only be gone for less than 48 hours, it will seem like a week without Annabelle. She will be in good hands with her Mimi and Papaw.
September both flew by and seemed like it was never going to end. I have a whole new respect for what my parents went through when Hurricane Alicia hit Houston in 1983. Back then it was "Oooh! Look all the golf carts are in the bottom of an empty pool!" and "how did that get there?" and "let's play with our Star Wars figures in this big pile of dirt!"
Now that I am grown up (that's what people keep saying anyway), it is no fun at all. Fences to rebuild, trees to chop, our sprinkler system was ruined -- so was the ice maker on our refrigerator. We lost all of our beautiful landscaping and flowers and bushes and four trees. We have a leaky roof. Our power was out for more than two weeks. Yet, we definitely ARE the lucky ones.
I did a heavy-duty closet clean out on Wednesday, being absolutely brutal. I eventually got two boxes worth of stuff together to donate to Hurricane Ike victims. (Andy did the same.)
I am somewhat miffed that Galveston and parts of Houston are suffering so much, yet they (we) are all forgotten. God, when Katrina devastated New Orleans it was wall-to-wall Katrina for a month and a half. And I know how much attention the media gave the story -- I worked day after day on it. For Ike it was hey! look! And move along. It pisses me off.
In other news, we moved back into our house Sunday. It was so great to be home. We still have so much work to do, but it is nice to be back in my own house. With control of my own thermostat! Oh baby, is it ever! :-)
Annaebelle is going to Gymboree twice a week and swim lessons. It's my goal to get her out and interested in new things. Meet kids her own age. I am fun and all, but I am sure she appreciates playing with other toddlers.
Here are a few pictures from September. We've got Annabelle in there among many Hurricane Ike pictures. And don't forget our family photo albums and don't forget to comment! We want to hear from you!
I think I may have had a breakthrough. Today as I was driving Annabelle home from swim lessons (see the "Today I" section of this blog for more!), I found myself thinking about the future and seeing possibilities. It has been a long time since I was able to be hopeful without any negativity. That sounds worse than I think I mean it to, or maybe it just was that bad. I am not sure. But for the first time in a long time I thought about how I wanted to go back to school and how I was going to do it and got excited about it. Not once did I think as I have been for so long: "How will I ever do it?" "My photos suck anyway." "There is no way I can do it." "Who will watch Annabelle?" "What's the point?" It was like, suddenly, things were possible again.
It was a moment. A little one, but a moment of hope nonetheless.
So I just have to keep going. But, for the first time in -- wow -- years, maybe, I actually feel like it might be possible to vanquish depression. And that, in and of itself, is progress.
Well, it's been a long-quick week if that makes sense. Looking back it seems like forever ago that it was Monday, yet it feels like it was just yesterday. I accomplished quite a bit this week. Annabelle really liked Gymboree. She was very good at most of the activities that the kids were supposed to do, but she seemed kind of overwhelmed by the other children. You see, Annabelle has really only been with me, her Daddy and her grandparents her entire life. She doesn't know any other kids except Gigi and Carlo's little Gavin -- and he is a bitty baby. So seeing a bunch of kids her age was rather overwhelming for her, I think.
She ran around and squealed and really enjoyed the whole experience. It actually made me want to cry. Seeing what an amazing person she is becoming. And how she problem solves. And how she is so determined to do it all by herself.
From a battling-depression point of view, I am glad I got out and just did it. I tried really hard not to let myself go through those negative thought patterns that always want to come up when I am with strangers. (e.g. "Are they looking at me?" "Do they think I am stupid? Ugly? Fat? Whatever?") I just thought to myself: "You are Annabelle's mom and she loves you." That made a huge difference.
All of that probably sounds really lame, but so be it. I can't control what you think of me. I used to think I could. I am slowly (oh-so-very-slowly) coming to the realization that I can only control what I think of me. Whether I want you to or not, you will make a judgement of me. And nothing I can do is going to stop you. So why worry about it. Right?
Anyway, that's it from here. Big weekend. Gavin gets baptized! Yay!
In an earlier post I shared my battle with Depression. The other half of the battle is severe anxiety. Now, I decided a long time ago that if I had a choice: Depression or anxiety, I'd take anxiety and be cured of depression. Over the years, neither has really been solved or that hard worked for. I just worked myself to death and ran on the treadmill til I couldn't think anymore. Those were my solutions. Solutions that very often worked, though their effects were fleeting.
So now that I am locked in battle with Depression, some of the methods I am using are exacerbating my problems with panic and anxiety. It's really frustrating. When I am like this -- high anxiety -- the bad dreams come. I have several recurring dreams in which I 1.) can't find something (usually a classroom) 2.) find out I didn't actually graduate from high school and have to go back (and then can't find the classroom!) or 3.) that I am lost somewhere.
I hadn't had these dreams in about a year and a half. Now they are back. I wake up every morning drenched in sweat, heart racing thinking I missed a big test or that I have to go back to high school. I'm left with a very unsettled feeling the entire morning.
But the battle must continue. I've read that one strategy is, when awake, to plan what you will do when you can't find the classroom or have to go back to high school or whatever. Strategize the solution so when you dream it, you won't panic or get anxious. You will know what to do. And, in theory, go on to have a mundane dream.
I am really rambling aren't I?
People often ask me why I post these things here. It is more for me than anything. Admitting it. Getting out these fears and truths about myself is freeing. It's part of my work toward accepting me for who I am. Instead of hiding the fact that I am battling with this, maybe my struggle will help someone else along the way. It can be a very lonely road.
Anyway, again I say, wish me bonne chance, because I need it. After all, I didn't actually graduate from college! And I am lost somewhere in Italy, never to find my way home. Ha ha!
I feel the need to share my excitement at hearing the old NBA on NBC theme song again for NBC's coverage of USA Basketball during the Summer Olympics. That rockin' song was written by John Tesh (!) and is called "Roundball Rock." (Enjoy it here and here.)
You know how a certain smell or feel in the air can bring back a specific time in your life? "Roundball Rock" is like that for me. It just brings back happy times. Watching basketball with my Dad. Playing basketball with my Dad, which I did quite a bit. Larry Bird. Magic Johnson. Hakeem Olajuwon. Marv Albert. Mike Fratello -- the Czar of the Telestrator. Ahmad Rashad. Steve "Snapper" Jones. Showtime. That's also where my crazy love for Bob Costas started. He was the halftime anchor for the NBA on NBC and I've loved him ever since.
As most of my three readers know, I am still battling depression. It's something that I have to work hard every day to overcome. The depressed me tries to stop the happy me from doing what she wants to do. This week, I waged an all-out war on this vicious foe. I decided I was just going to think of depression as "Depression," with a capital "D." A force that is working hard against me. When it pushes, I have to push back harder. And it is hard.
Sometimes I think I am being punished for my awful remarks about depressed people in the past. (Things like, "Why don't they just get over it?" and "What's their problem?") Now I can really see and understand what, I daresay, most people don't. Because it seems like is should be just that simple: Change your mind, get over it. Right? I have found that it simply doesn't work that way (alas!).
But back to my strategy. This week I began the battle. Starting Monday with Anna and I visiting the library, then Target; and, later, dinner out with Andy. I often find it so easy to just say, "nevermind, let's just stay in." I told Andy he has to start making me do it. Like be the man and say: "We are doing this. Period." And he did.
Tuesdays Annabelle is with her Mimi. (Mimi is a Godsend, by the way. By watching Annabelle for those few hours every week, she is helping me in my battle.)
Wednesday, Annabelle and I met Auntie Gigi and Gavin to sign up for weekly Mommy and Me swim lessons. Then we all had lunch.
Thursday, we met Daddy at the doctor's office for shots.
Today we went to Gymboree and signed up for another weekly class, then had some chicken for lunch.
In short, every day we were out and about doing something. Depression is weird. It's like a veil that shrouds everything you do. Dulling your senses and throttling any enjoyment in everyday things. I am so sick of letting Depression run my life. So I've decided I just have to go, go, go, lest it put its steel-toed boot back on my throat. I think that was my unconscious strategy in the past. I need to do it again -- only this time, consciously.
I just wanted to remind everyone about our Photo Albums. I've posted a bunch of pictures of Annabelle that I've taken over the last couple of days. While the vast majority are available to anyone, there are some that require you to sign in. It's free to sign up and signing up will allow you to see the pictures I flag as "Friends and Family Only."
To get your free account (and trust me, Flickr is so worth it!), just Visit Flickr's signup page. If you already have a Yahoo! account, you can use that to sign in! See, I told you it was easy!
And best of all, once you've signed up you can leave comments on pictures, which I find to be very fun.
If you do sign up, please send me your user name so I can add you as a Friend or Family Member.
Have a wonderful day! And try Flickr!! (No, they don't pay me to endorse it. I just love it that much.)
I just put Annabelle down for her nap, telling her, "now I am going to bid you goodnight. I love you." When I closed the door I burst out laughing at my phrasing! Oh sometimes I wonder what she thinks of her Mommy.
Sometimes I feel so lost and alone and confused. The sands are always shifting. You think you're taking a positive step in your life. Or that things will be OK. And all of a sudden things aren't.
I found a great piece of traveling-with-kids advice that I need to file away somewhere. Here is as good a place as any.
The element of surprise never fails. One of my wife's most genius travel strategies is to produce some kind of surprise for the kid on the plane: sometimes it's a new book, a new box of crayons and some stickers. Once it was a little thing of modeling clay [which ended up leaving greasy dye streaks on the tray table. Oops.] This trip, it was some kind of dipping stick snack, somewhere between a Lik-m-Aid and a Pocky. When the kid got a little antsy, out it came to change the mood.
This is from a blog called "Daddy Types." Interesting blog there that I am definitely bookmarking.
Andy and I got back from The Big Island recently, and this just happened upon my computer screen today. I like it, so I am putting it here. Perhaps you'll like it too.
Live ALOHA A stands for AKAHAI, meaning kindness. L stands for LOKAHI, meaning bring unity. O stands for OLU'OLU, meaning politeness. H stands for HA'AHA'A, meaning humbled. A stands for AHONUI, meaning enduring.
Aloha in Action Respect all elders and children. Leave places better than you find them. Hold the door. Hold the elevator. Plant something. Drive with courtesy. Never drive impaired. Attend an event of another culture. Return your shopping cart. Get out and enjoy nature. Pick up litter. Share with your neighbors. Create smiles. Create a list and share it.
You don't have to be a politician, or the president of a company, or a famous doctor, to make everyone's life better. Sometimes the smallest things make the biggest difference.
You know, it's interesting when you discover things that, perhaps, you didn't want to know about your "friends." At some point you just have to let go and stop clinging to something that (clearly) has ceased to exist.
This one hurts because I'd always been one of her staunchest supporters and have always forgiven her faults, as I thought she'd forgiven mine. This is one of those cases where I am truly baffled as to what happened or why she doesn't like me anymore. I'd feel better about it all if she'd just tell me why. But you know what? There is nothing I can do about it. And what is the motto I've been trying to live by?
I don't focus on things I can't control.
Until and unless she decides to talk to me, there is just nothing I can do. It makes me profoundly sad, but I have to let go. It's only hurting me at this point, for it is obvious that she doesn't care about me.
Sometimes being a stay-at-home mom is really mentally taxing. Sometimes the hours seem to crawl by. Other times they fly by with alarming quickness. This has been one of those weeks. Annabelle has done something new everyday this week. Maybe two or three new things.
Her comprehension of the spoken language is remarkable. Though she hasn't spoken all that many words, she understands many words and phrases. She can point to a cat, a dog, a duck, and, yes, a toucan (!). She can understand simple commands. She knows who mommy and daddy and nana and mimi and poppy and papaw are. She knows who Miss Gigi is. She even knows who kitty Sarah is.
She loves to point. She loves to read. She loves to dance. She is an amazing little girl.
Annabelle has recently learned how to pucker her lips as if in a kiss. Before she goes to be she will make the little lip smacking noise after I kiss her. It melts my icy heart. I love her to little tiny pieces.
Annabelle and I were playing downstairs this morning. I was multitasking, you know making lunch, putting the dishes away and playing with AEB. Anyway, I was making some noodles on the stove when Annabelle stood up in the middle of the living room and toddled all the way over to me and gave me a big hug around my leg. I couldn't believe it.
She is also learning to use a spoon and a fork. It is a messy business.
My ex-best friend forever, Marian Hossa, had the game winning/series clenching OT goal today for the Penguins (versus the New York Rangers). I miss him! He's been a monster this playoff season. All true Thrasher fans die just a little bit every time he scores a goal for another team.
It has been too long since my last post. So much has happened in our life, especially when it comes to Annabelle. She is walking now! Each day she gains more confidence and takes a few more steps. Each day she shows a new wrinkle in her personality. She is amazing, wonderful and precious.
Geneen is amazing as well. She is such a wonderful mother to Annabelle. Annabelle loves her so much, as do I.
"I can't control what people think so I don't worry about it too much ... I'm just trying to do my best." -- Marian Hossa CBS Sports May 14, 2008
"I don't worry about what I can't control." -- Marian Hossa ESPN Radio March 25th, 2008
"I can't control it, so why even think about it?" -- Jarrod Saltalamacchia Atlanta Journal-Constitution May 6, 2007
"It sounds really simple and almost too basic, but if I go home and stew on what I think should be happening or focus on something that I can't control, it takes my focus away from doing my job. It eats at you. It consumes you. And I've been through all of this before." -- Joey Harrington Atlanta Journal-Constitution November 30, 2007
