:: the BoydBunch ::

Did I Really Graduate?

2008-08-26T02:59:00.004-05:00

In an earlier post I shared my battle with Depression. The other half of the battle is severe anxiety. Now, I decided a long time ago that if I had a choice: Depression or anxiety, I'd take anxiety and be cured of depression. Over the years, neither has really been solved or that hard worked for. I just worked myself to death and ran on the treadmill til I couldn't think anymore. Those were my solutions. Solutions that very often worked, though their effects were fleeting.

So now that I am locked in battle with Depression, some of the methods I am using are exacerbating my problems with panic and anxiety. It's really frustrating. When I am like this -- high anxiety -- the bad dreams come. I have several recurring dreams in which I 1.) can't find something (usually a classroom) 2.) find out I didn't actually graduate from high school and have to go back (and then can't find the classroom!) or 3.) that I am lost somewhere.

I hadn't had these dreams in about a year and a half. Now they are back. I wake up every morning drenched in sweat, heart racing thinking I missed a big test or that I have to go back to high school. I'm left with a very unsettled feeling the entire morning.

But the battle must continue. I've read that one strategy is, when awake, to plan what you will do when you can't find the classroom or have to go back to high school or whatever. Strategize the solution so when you dream it, you won't panic or get anxious. You will know what to do. And, in theory, go on to have a mundane dream.

I am really rambling aren't I?

People often ask me why I post these things here. It is more for me than anything. Admitting it. Getting out these fears and truths about myself is freeing. It's part of my work toward accepting me for who I am. Instead of hiding the fact that I am battling with this, maybe my struggle will help someone else along the way. It can be a very lonely road.

Anyway, again I say, wish me bonne chance, because I need it. After all, I didn't actually graduate from college! And I am lost somewhere in Italy, never to find my way home. Ha ha!

Yesterday? Serious. Today? Not.

2008-08-24T01:37:00.010-05:00

I feel the need to share my excitement at hearing the old NBA on NBC theme song again for NBC's coverage of USA Basketball during the Summer Olympics. That rockin' song was written by John Tesh (!) and is called "Roundball Rock." (Enjoy it here and here.)

You know how a certain smell or feel in the air can bring back a specific time in your life? "Roundball Rock" is like that for me. It just brings back happy times. Watching basketball with my Dad. Playing basketball with my Dad, which I did quite a bit. Larry Bird. Magic Johnson. Hakeem Olajuwon. Marv Albert. Mike Fratello -- the Czar of the Telestrator. Ahmad Rashad. Steve "Snapper" Jones. Showtime. That's also where my crazy love for Bob Costas started. He was the halftime anchor for the NBA on NBC and I've loved him ever since.

Those were good times.

Bonne chance

2008-08-22T23:25:00.001-05:00

As most of my three readers know, I am still battling depression. It's something that I have to work hard every day to overcome. The depressed me tries to stop the happy me from doing what she wants to do. This week, I waged an all-out war on this vicious foe. I decided I was just going to think of depression as "Depression," with a capital "D." A force that is working hard against me. When it pushes, I have to push back harder. And it is hard.

Sometimes I think I am being punished for my awful remarks about depressed people in the past. (Things like, "Why don't they just get over it?" and "What's their problem?") Now I can really see and understand what, I daresay, most people don't. Because it seems like is should be just that simple: Change your mind, get over it. Right? I have found that it simply doesn't work that way (alas!).

But back to my strategy. This week I began the battle. Starting Monday with Anna and I visiting the library, then Target; and, later, dinner out with Andy. I often find it so easy to just say, "nevermind, let's just stay in." I told Andy he has to start making me do it. Like be the man and say: "We are doing this. Period." And he did.

Tuesdays Annabelle is with her Mimi. (Mimi is a Godsend, by the way. By watching Annabelle for those few hours every week, she is helping me in my battle.)

Wednesday, Annabelle and I met Auntie Gigi and Gavin to sign up for weekly Mommy and Me swim lessons. Then we all had lunch.

Thursday, we met Daddy at the doctor's office for shots.

Today we went to Gymboree and signed up for another weekly class, then had some chicken for lunch.

In short, every day we were out and about doing something. Depression is weird. It's like a veil that shrouds everything you do. Dulling your senses and throttling any enjoyment in everyday things. I am so sick of letting Depression run my life. So I've decided I just have to go, go, go, lest it put its steel-toed boot back on my throat. I think that was my unconscious strategy in the past. I need to do it again -- only this time, consciously.

I can't let Big "D" win any longer.

Look at This Photograph

2008-08-21T15:36:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to remind everyone about our Photo Albums. I've posted a bunch of pictures of Annabelle that I've taken over the last couple of days. While the vast majority are available to anyone, there are some that require you to sign in. It's free to sign up and signing up will allow you to see the pictures I flag as "Friends and Family Only."

To get your free account (and trust me, Flickr is so worth it!), just Visit Flickr's signup page. If you already have a Yahoo! account, you can use that to sign in! See, I told you it was easy!

And best of all, once you've signed up you can leave comments on pictures, which I find to be very fun.

If you do sign up, please send me your user name so I can add you as a Friend or Family Member.

Have a wonderful day! And try Flickr!! (No, they don't pay me to endorse it. I just love it that much.)

I Bid You Hello!

2008-08-20T15:50:00.002-05:00

I just put Annabelle down for her nap, telling her, "now I am going to bid you goodnight. I love you." When I closed the door I burst out laughing at my phrasing! Oh sometimes I wonder what she thinks of her Mommy.

2008-08-06T12:24:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I feel so lost and alone and confused. The sands are always shifting. You think you're taking a positive step in your life. Or that things will be OK. And all of a sudden things aren't.

Tips Always Welcome

2008-07-21T02:59:00.001-05:00

I found a great piece of traveling-with-kids advice that I need to file away somewhere. Here is as good a place as any.

The element of surprise never fails. One of my wife's most genius travel strategies is to produce some kind of surprise for the kid on the plane: sometimes it's a new book, a new box of crayons and some stickers. Once it was a little thing of modeling clay [which ended up leaving greasy dye streaks on the tray table. Oops.] This trip, it was some kind of dipping stick snack, somewhere between a Lik-m-Aid and a Pocky. When the kid got a little antsy, out it came to change the mood.

This is from a blog called "Daddy Types." Interesting blog there that I am definitely bookmarking.

Feel the Aloha

2008-07-03T00:47:00.005-05:00

Andy and I got back from The Big Island recently, and this just happened upon my computer screen today. I like it, so I am putting it here. Perhaps you'll like it too.

Live ALOHA

Aloha in Action

You don't have to be a politician, or the president of a company, or a famous doctor, to make everyone's life better. Sometimes the smallest things make the biggest difference.

What Are Friends For?

2008-06-01T23:45:00.001-05:00

You know, it's interesting when you discover things that, perhaps, you didn't want to know about your "friends." At some point you just have to let go and stop clinging to something that (clearly) has ceased to exist.

This one hurts because I'd always been one of her staunchest supporters and have always forgiven her faults, as I thought she'd forgiven mine. This is one of those cases where I am truly baffled as to what happened or why she doesn't like me anymore. I'd feel better about it all if she'd just tell me why. But you know what? There is nothing I can do about it. And what is the motto I've been trying to live by?

I don't focus on things I can't control.

Until and unless she decides to talk to me, there is just nothing I can do. It makes me profoundly sad, but I have to let go. It's only hurting me at this point, for it is obvious that she doesn't care about me.

Wowza Annabellza!

2008-05-23T04:30:00.003-05:00

Sometimes being a stay-at-home mom is really mentally taxing. Sometimes the hours seem to crawl by. Other times they fly by with alarming quickness. This has been one of those weeks. Annabelle has done something new everyday this week. Maybe two or three new things.

Her comprehension of the spoken language is remarkable. Though she hasn't spoken all that many words, she understands many words and phrases. She can point to a cat, a dog, a duck, and, yes, a toucan (!). She can understand simple commands. She knows who mommy and daddy and nana and mimi and poppy and papaw are. She knows who Miss Gigi is. She even knows who kitty Sarah is.

She loves to point. She loves to read. She loves to dance. She is an amazing little girl.

If you haven't done so lately, Check out some pictures! May 2008 | April 2008 | March 2008

Let us know what you think!

SWAK!

2008-05-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

Annabelle has recently learned how to pucker her lips as if in a kiss. Before she goes to be she will make the little lip smacking noise after I kiss her. It melts my icy heart. I love her to little tiny pieces.

Rolling With Changes

2008-05-04T17:16:00.004-05:00

Annabelle and I were playing downstairs this morning. I was multitasking, you know making lunch, putting the dishes away and playing with AEB. Anyway, I was making some noodles on the stove when Annabelle stood up in the middle of the living room and toddled all the way over to me and gave me a big hug around my leg. I couldn't believe it.

She is also learning to use a spoon and a fork. It is a messy business.

My ex-best friend forever, Marian Hossa, had the game winning/series clenching OT goal today for the Penguins (versus the New York Rangers). I miss him! He's been a monster this playoff season. All true Thrasher fans die just a little bit every time he scores a goal for another team.

Miss Personality

2008-05-04T01:03:00.003-05:00

It has been too long since my last post. So much has happened in our life, especially when it comes to Annabelle. She is walking now! Each day she gains more confidence and takes a few more steps. Each day she shows a new wrinkle in her personality. She is amazing, wonderful and precious.

Geneen is amazing as well. She is such a wonderful mother to Annabelle. Annabelle loves her so much, as do I.

In Control

2008-05-02T01:56:00.003-05:00

"I can't control what people think so I don't worry about it too much ... I'm just trying to do my best."
-- Marian Hossa
CBS Sports
May 14, 2008

"I don't worry about what I can't control."
-- Marian Hossa
ESPN Radio
March 25th, 2008

"I can't control it, so why even think about it?"
-- Jarrod Saltalamacchia
Atlanta Journal-Constitution
May 6, 2007

"It sounds really simple and almost too basic, but if I go home and stew on what I think should be happening or focus on something that I can't control, it takes my focus away from doing my job. It eats at you. It consumes you. And I've been through all of this before."
-- Joey Harrington
Atlanta Journal-Constitution
November 30, 2007

Baby Steps

2008-04-27T16:24:00.000-05:00

Annabelle walked on her own today for the first time.

Fab Vocab

2008-04-26T17:33:00.000-05:00

Annabelle has learned lots of new words. She knows what many, many words mean, but she doesn't yet speak them. Balloons. Cat. Mommy and Daddy (which she does say). Nana. Mimi. Charles (!). Hand. Popsicle. Pool. Just to name a few.

I have also added to our family's personal lexicon.

There is the ever popular: Grumpasaurus (aka Grumpasaur). The fearsome Grumpasaurus Rex. The soon-to-be-outdated Trendasaurus. The oft-used (and fun to say) Fussasaurus. And, who could forget the Tryantasaurus (as in, "my boss is a tyrant-a-saurus"). See what great things I am doing for the English language?

Revisiting a Resolution

2008-04-12T09:38:00.000-05:00

Resolved: That Geneen shall institute a "no more" policy when it comes to a.) feeling like she is a terrible mother b.) feeling guilty for no reason c.) obsessing about her weight d.) being negative e.) fear and, f.) feeling like a nobody because she doesn't -- at present -- have a job that pays in U.S. currency.

Get the Picture?

2008-04-10T16:19:00.000-05:00

Annabelle had portraits taken day. She is just the funniest baby. A total ham. Lots of personality in the pictures. I can't wait to have some of them.

They Didn't Play "Stonehenge"

2008-03-30T06:37:00.006-05:00

Well, it's been a while. *whew!*

Annabelle's first birthday party was last weekend. I'd just spent the entire week having (seemingly) every medical procedure known to mankind; I was put on two days of bed rest and Andy was covering the after hours clinic, so I am amazed we managed to pull off both a birthday party AND a visit from the Easter Bunny. It was touch-and-go there for a while and he was unsure he could add us to his route, but he did show.

Thank-you-very-much, Easter Bunny!

Our fam at AEB's party Saturday.
Click to see more >>

In other news...
Yes, I had a Spinal Tap and ... ... it didn't rock or go to 11 (nor did they play 'Stonehenge,' damn it!) ...

"Spinal Tap" is one of my all-time favorite movies, but the reality of a lumbar puncture is nowhere near as entertaining and is, in fact, about as scary as David St. Hubbins in spandex.

I was ridiculously nervous. It didn't help that I had to sign these forms five minutes before they wheeled me away informing me I could a.) die, b.) be paralyzed, c.) get a hideous infection, etc. CYA, I know. NEVERTHELESS!

The needle was in my back for about 30 minutes. The doctor (who had the smallest hands I've seen outside of a juvenile) kept asking how I was doing to which I just groaned/whined "fiiiiine." I didn't want to move. I was afraid of moving, lest the needle go askew.

The funny thing about the 'Tap is the weird electrical jolts it sends to various parts of your body. Down your leg... ZAP! Down your other leg... DOUBLE ZAP! Across your back... BURNING ZAP! And over again.

I had to lie down flat for 48 hours straight, which, as the mother of a toddler sounded rather exciting when it was first mentioned. Within two hours I was going crazy. Anyway, just a nice big thank you to all who expressed concern. I appreciate your encouraging words. This has been a very trying two weeks.

Unfortunately, there are still no real answers to the conundrum.

So that's that.

Going to 11

2008-03-19T03:11:00.002-05:00

Spinal Tap: It's not just a rock band (for me) anymore. Today (ugh), yes today, I am having a lumbar puncture. I am not sure which term is more freaky. I'll have to meditate on that while I am having said puncture/tap done. Again, I say "ugh!" and shiver a little bit.

Still no definitive answer on the headaches. Here's hoping the tap will be the end of the poking and prodding.

(Shivers a little more.)

My Head Hurts and I Feel Fine

2008-03-16T02:08:00.005-05:00

This past week has been a bit of a roller-coaster.

I've been having severe headaches for about a month now. I finally figured it had to be that my eyesight was, at long last, going. So a quick trip to the optometrist, eye check, get glasses, right? Oh wrong, wrong, wrong. My vision is still 20-15. The doc found I had some swelling of the nerves in my eyes, so he referred me on to an opthamologist. I was worked into one of Andy's kind colleagues' schedule the same day. So hey! I got to have my eyes dilated twice in one day.

All-day eye blurring aside, Andy's insistence that I be checked the same day was very disconcerting. I know Andy. There's just no other way to explain it and he wouldn't have pressed it like that if he wasn't worried. And when he is worried, I am more so.

The finding of swelling was confirmed and the opthamologist referred me to a neurologist and got me scheduled for an MRI the following day (Friday). Cue Geneen freakout. Well, not really, but I did go to bed at 6 p.m. and didn't get up until the next day right before I had to go to the appointment. That's my method of dealing with reality sometimes: Hide.

That night I dreamed of my late friend, Julie. In the dream she sent me a letter from Heaven (it was postmarked with a special "Heaven" postage stamp and everything!). In the letter she thanked me for my friendship and told me she was happy and peaceful in the afterlife. She told me she was happy because she was able to watch over her children always. She also told me "everything is going to be OK." I knew that was a positive omen, but I was still scared.

Next day, ugh. MRI. Little tube. Close quarters. Loud noises. Controlled freaking. Sort of.

In the hour I was in The Tube, I somehow did lots of thinking amidst the racket and commotion. I prayed. I thought of Julie and how brave she had been. I thought of all the hockey players in the NHL who'd had MRIs recently and how they all survived. I thought of Annabelle and the way she laughed and kicked her feet in the pool earlier that day. I thought of Andy and how loving and caring he always is. And my parents and sister. My in-laws. I prayed some more. I sang the Brady Bunch theme song several times over to stop myself from laughing after the MRI tech told me she thinks the sound the machine makes is like "bad techno music" (very true, by the way; though "modern jackhammer" is also apt). I thought of how little the minutiae means in the grand scheme of things. I prayed again. I thought of Frodo and Sam on their quest with The Ring (the mind does wander doesn't it?). I repeatedly thought of the "find a happy place" scene in "Dumb and Dumber." I prayed some more and vowed to be brave. I thought of this crazy story a friend told me about a certain member of the Colorado Avalanche and what a baby he was at the doctor's office. I vowed to be braver than that. And I prayed.

Then it was over.

Skip forward a little. The scans were all negative. No tumors. No lesions. No aneurysms. What a relief! I felt very grateful (and still do). So whatever it is that is causing the headaches is probably not deadly. But the quest for an answer continues.

I have a headache right now. It's pounding and painful, but I don't care. At the moment I feel very blessed and lucky to be alive to have a headache. I was pretty scared there for a while and the foremost thought in my mind was Annabelle. Not for me, but for her. I know I am not the best mother in the world, but I do know she needs me and I want to be there for her. So I am thanking God that the MRI came back negative. Maybe, on Annabelle's behalf, you'll join me in thanking Him too.

And here I go again, getting all cheesy but if you're reading this, I just want to say thanks for being my friend/family (I know in the case of the latter you have no choice, but you know what I mean). Thanks for being a special part of my life. When I was in the little, cramped tube I thanked God for you too.

*hugs*

Whatever Happens...

2008-03-14T14:02:00.000-05:00

I am going to be brave. Like Julie. I dreamed of her last night. She sent me a note from Heaven and said everything is going to be OK. I am taking that as a positive omen.

No Photos, Please!

2008-03-10T03:16:00.003-05:00

I've noticed lately that Annabelle is becoming a bit camera shy. I am not sure why that is. Maybe it's a natural thing. Now that she's getting older and recognizes things she gets scared more easily. Whatever the reason, her smile, while ever present, is increasingly difficult to capture on film.

I've uploaded a few images from her birthday. So check 'em out ...

Happy Birthday, Baby

2008-03-07T03:15:00.006-06:00

A big Happy Birthday to the most precious baby in the world: Our daughter, Annabelle Elizabeth. She turns one today. I've spent the past hour or so reflecting on the year gone by and the many changes it has brought.

It's hard when your life changes overnight. You check into the hospital one person, you check out another. Forever changed in society's eyes, for you are now this person called "mother."

But I know I can speak for Andy when I say we wouldn't have it any other way. So to Annabelle...

It's impossible to describe the love we feel for you. You bring laughter and smiles. You bring light and joy. Your face is that of an angel. And to see you is to be assured that, yes, there is a God because nothing so precious -- so perfect -- could be anything but divine.

Annabelle, day one, hour one.

Annabelle, almost a year old (and she's already perfected her BlackBerry technique!).

Adios, Mi Amigo

2008-02-27T01:53:00.004-06:00

Trades in professional sports are weird. As fans we watch our team and seem to gravitate toward one or two players in particular. Some reasons are rational (he's the best player). Some are less so ("He's cute!" or "I like the number 16"). Some are a combination of the two.

Today the Thrashers traded one of my two favorite players: Marian Hossa, who, in my opinion was the best player on the team. They had little choice as he was set to become an unrestricted free agent at the end of the season, so had they not pulled the trigger on a deal, they would have lost him for nothing. My brain understands such things. My heart is another matter.

I hate the idea of Hossa in another uniform. He is a supreme talent and to see him go is very upsetting. More than that, though, Hossa is one of those likable players. He's the kind of guy you want as the face of your franchise. And, even more than that, after three seasons of watching a guy, it's like the team traded your best friend. Your best pal. The guy you love hanging out with. The guy who amuses you as you rock your baby to sleep. The guy who dazzles with his skating ability and his sweet unassuming nature. That guy is no longer your best friend. He's someone else's best friend now.

It makes me sad.

The team did what it had to do. And Hossa could have accepted a large paycheck to stay with the Thrashers, but he didn't. He wants to win. What does that say about the Thrashers? Whatever it is, it's not good. What does it say about Hossa? That he didn't love Atlanta as much as he said? That while he's enjoyed being our friend, it's time to move on? Time to make new friends? (Yes, yes he was traded and over that he had no control; but he rejected all long-term deals the Thrashers put on the table.)

Such is the way of things and such is the pain that is being a fan. I am sure you are not interested unless you happen to be Andy, in which case, we've already discussed this at length.

Goodbye Magical Marian. Atlanta misses you already.