Slip-Sliding
It's been a while since I wrote. And that's mainly because I don't really feel like I have anything of interest to say. At least nothing anyone particularly wants to hear.
It's funny, as a woman in this generation, I think we are socialized to go-go-go and gun for the Big Time. And when you achieve it, you often find it isn't all it is cracked up to be. You take a step out of that world to, say, raise your child, and suddenly you are a nobody. You are now this person who, in society's eyes, is nothing. "Just a mom" and "oh you stay at home." That kind of dismissive attitude.
I find it very hard to bear sometimes. I love to be with Annabelle. To be home and watch the miraculous changes. But I feel somehow diminished and unimportant. Not that I feel I am unimportant, but I feel that I am viewed that way and do, I confess, find it hard not to feel like I don't matter.
I know people will say "oh you matter to Annabelle." That's really missing the point of what I am trying to say. It's like we are told all of our lives to achieve, achieve, achieve and when you leave that world to do something else, there is no longer any way to quantify success and achievement. Again, people will point to these broad concepts of Annabelle becoming a good person and being so smart, etc. And I am not negating that. It's just that sometimes I just ... don't even feel like a human being. I feel lost. Like I am not even me anymore.
I am sure this probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I am just feeling really overwhelmed right now.
I wouldn't change my decision, but it's been very hard. Hard to realize that this job is HARD. It's mentally tough to be the dependent one in a relationship. To be the one who doesn't get to go out. To be the one who cooks and cleans and folds clothes. People do not understand that. People think stay-at-home parents watch soaps all day and live high on the hog. Well, I can't even remember the last time I watched any TV show in the middle of the day or did anything for the sake of myself during the day. How many workers surfing the Internet on a coffee break can say that?
I amuse myself from time to time by thinking about how Mrs. Brady never truly appreciated Alice. I'd love to have an Alice, if for no other reason than to have someone to talk to. I love to talk to Annabelle, but sometimes I feel desperately lonely and long for someone to be there to just share in the little things.
I know, I know, this time is fleeting ... blah, blah, blah. I recognize all of that. I am just having a rough time right now. I am sure it will pass. Or I will suck it up. You know how it goes.
It's funny, as a woman in this generation, I think we are socialized to go-go-go and gun for the Big Time. And when you achieve it, you often find it isn't all it is cracked up to be. You take a step out of that world to, say, raise your child, and suddenly you are a nobody. You are now this person who, in society's eyes, is nothing. "Just a mom" and "oh you stay at home." That kind of dismissive attitude.
I find it very hard to bear sometimes. I love to be with Annabelle. To be home and watch the miraculous changes. But I feel somehow diminished and unimportant. Not that I feel I am unimportant, but I feel that I am viewed that way and do, I confess, find it hard not to feel like I don't matter.
I know people will say "oh you matter to Annabelle." That's really missing the point of what I am trying to say. It's like we are told all of our lives to achieve, achieve, achieve and when you leave that world to do something else, there is no longer any way to quantify success and achievement. Again, people will point to these broad concepts of Annabelle becoming a good person and being so smart, etc. And I am not negating that. It's just that sometimes I just ... don't even feel like a human being. I feel lost. Like I am not even me anymore.
I am sure this probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I am just feeling really overwhelmed right now.
I wouldn't change my decision, but it's been very hard. Hard to realize that this job is HARD. It's mentally tough to be the dependent one in a relationship. To be the one who doesn't get to go out. To be the one who cooks and cleans and folds clothes. People do not understand that. People think stay-at-home parents watch soaps all day and live high on the hog. Well, I can't even remember the last time I watched any TV show in the middle of the day or did anything for the sake of myself during the day. How many workers surfing the Internet on a coffee break can say that?
I amuse myself from time to time by thinking about how Mrs. Brady never truly appreciated Alice. I'd love to have an Alice, if for no other reason than to have someone to talk to. I love to talk to Annabelle, but sometimes I feel desperately lonely and long for someone to be there to just share in the little things.
I know, I know, this time is fleeting ... blah, blah, blah. I recognize all of that. I am just having a rough time right now. I am sure it will pass. Or I will suck it up. You know how it goes.
Labels: stay at home parents
posted by Geneen @ 12:33:00 AM
4 Comments:
At November 17, 2008 9:19:00 AM CST ,
Whit said...
I know things must be so overwhelming, I have not been there and probably will not get the opportunity. However, my mom is my best friend. She had the career and took care of us. I know it must have been so difficult and stressful. I know you put so much into showing Annabelle different things and I'm sure she knows how much you love here. I will say that I would not be who I am if I did not have my mom. She is the most precious thing to me. I know you said that would be missing the point but I am just telling you that if it were not for mom things would not be how they are. Not only are Josh and I sooo thankful, but so is our dad. I know it is hard because you do not have the same responsibilities and the expectations of you are different, they are so much higher now. We are basically taught from the second we start school to be someone and to have this wonderful career. That bad part is that they never teach you how important taking care of a family is as well. That would be very difficult, and yes very underappreciated. I guess the best way to look at it is who would you want to benefit from your success?? You, Andy, Annabelle, the grandparents? They will! Nanny and Buddy were most proud of their children for how they raised their families and give their children what they did not have. Being a mom is the best job I could ever dream of having, I pray that god will somehow make that possible for me. I know it must be hard but that is why we are given such strong family and friends to depend on those hard times!
At November 17, 2008 9:36:00 AM CST ,
Anonymous said...
Thank you to Whitney for the kind words of encouragement.
We all love you very much Geneen!
Andy
At November 25, 2008 10:20:00 AM CST ,
Jenny Arkinson said...
Geneen, I honestly think that I completely understand what you're feeling. No, I don't stay at home with little Jack, but I can still see where you're coming from. We, as modern women, are supposed to work twice as hard to rise to the top, and we weren't raised to believe that the top consists of being a stay-at-home-mother. What do I think? I think it's absolutely the hardest job in the world.
Even if I could have done it, I would have opted to keep coming to work every day... staying at home, taking care of the house, and raising an amazing human being is way too daunting and difficult of a task for me, personally, to take on. I think that parents who stay home with their children are the most amazing people on the planet. Who cares what other people think? If they don't agree with me, then they've never tried it or watched someone close to them do it (like I've watched my husband do).
What do I do every day? I spend the Government's money and do the daily grind. What do amazing parents like you and my husband do every day? You perform miracles in nurturing and raising those amazing little creatures that will someday be taking care of us.
You are a fabulous woman, Geneen, and I want you to know that there's at least one lady out here (probably a whole lot more) that thinks the world of you!
At November 25, 2008 8:49:00 PM CST ,
Valeria said...
I am not a mother and have not been a stay-at-home mom, so perhaps I should not comment since I cannot "walk a mile in your shoes." All I can say is that I have met quite a few successful people in my lifetime but I have not met anyone whom I admire and respect more than my mother. She was not perfect and we certainly had our differences, but I truly admire and respect her more than all the successful people I have met. She did not have the luxury of being a stay-at-home Mom, but she gave us lots of love and discipline and I am thankful for both. I know I missed a lot by not having a precious little Annabelle!
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